WHY!

why why why why!

why do they do that.
they know i work.
they know i need to know things in advance
then they make it out to be my fault.
gahh.
its a dinner.
you need money for dinner.
and to get money you need a job.
which half of them don't have.
just because they're free to organise things whenever hoping for people
to join.
gahhh.


why don't boys like me.
like gah.
is it my height?
my awkwardness?
is it all my beautiful friends they're attracted to and not ugly old me?
is it me body?
i usually have high self esteem but the lack of adorment brings it down.
iunno if thats shallow.
but everyone needs someone to love.
and everyone needs to feel love.
people who say different are probably lying and making themselves seem tougher than they are.
one boyfriend.
one boyfriend.
should i even call him that?
didn't even like me.
he liked my closest friend.
and still decided to give me false feelings.
and i broke it off
and he pretty much called me the monster.
how does that even work.
and this was when i was 17.

i'll be 18 soon.
i'm unlike the others.
they get excited.
they can party.
drink alcohol.
and all that other stuff.
that doesn't intrest me.
not one bit.
and when i turn 18.
what am i excited for.
nothing.

no party - i have a fear of inviting people caused by the fear of rejection
no alcohol - i hate the stuff, the way it changes people.
no clubbing - i dislike the sort of people there and the music and i'm a terrible dancer.

i have nothing to be excited for.
18 is just another number.

back to the boy issue.
sure i'm young.
theres many years to come.
but i was young love.
summer love.
flings.
all that business.
i still have all my innocence intacted.
except lip virginity.

will i really end up a 40 year old virgin.
because in my head that is what i see.
i can't see myself married.
i can't see myself with children.
i can't see myself happy.
why is that.
i don't understand.
i really don't.

i'm a hopeless romantic.
i should have those dreams all the time.
or maybe i'm expecting to much for life.
and because of that.
i'll end up with nothing.
nothing at all.

massive rant.
-____-


xx